January 28, 2013
Why I Won’t Dump My Boyfriend To Travel
I think anyone who comes here regularly will know the following two facts about me: I’m starting a round the world trip in March, and I have a partner, Gil Dong. In fact, Gil Dong and I celebrated our two-year anniversary at the weekend with a trip to an absolutely stunning part of Korea (more on that later) and some all-you-can eat sushi in Daegu. Yeap, I’m definitely keeping the resolution that I made to myself about making the most of my time in Korea.
I’ve been preparing a lot for this trip, checking out cheap flights, figuring out how to get from A to B in countries like Mozambique and Romania, and scouting out compatible CouchSurfing hosts in the cities and towns I’ll be travelling to. However, all this planning always comes with a pang of guilt.
You see, Gil Dong isn’t coming with me on my trip. He is and he isn’t. After I finish my work contract here in Daejeon and he finishes his internship at an electrical company, we’ll be flying back to my hometown of Harrogate together and spending about a month in the UK, before flying to the United States together. We’ve been looking up flights to New York together (before deciding that Boston would be the most sensible place to fly into), researching things to do that involve the word ‘free’, and drooling as we’ve found tales of things such as chicken and waffles and coca-cola cake.
Floating on clouds is only part of it.
Alas, that is where our joint round the world trip has to end. After a few days in San Francisco, Gil Dong will be boarding a flight back to Korea, and I’ll be going onward to Colombia. Gil Dong will be working and preparing for either an internship in Germany or, if that falls through (*touch wood* that it doesn’t!) a working holiday in Canada. As a student, he hasn’t had the luxury of working full-time like me and being able to save up money to finance a round the world trip and, as much as I’d love to be able to, I just can’t afford to sustain the both of us on the amount that I’ve saved from my job here for an extended amount of time.
I’m lucky that I have a job where students make me origami birds out of lollipop wrappers.
I read a post recently over on Adventurous Kate, and also the comments that this post received when she put it on her Facebook page. The post was a response to a question from a woman who wanted to travel, but her boyfriend wasn’t up for it, and asked for advice from Kate. I agree with everything that Kate wrote in the post, but the reactions of a lot of people to the post kind of shocked me. Calls of “dump him” and talk of not having the same dream were bandied around, and it got me scratching my head a little bit. Most of all, it bothered me, but I didn’t know quite why at first.
Then I realised – people have said the same thing to me, or at very least implied it, when I’ve told them that Gil Dong and I will be apart for six months. People have been automatically assuming that our six month period apart means that we’ll break up at that point, and I’ll be travelling as a single man ready to spread the fruit of his loins and open his groin on my trip.
I’m sure I could attach some kind of metaphor to this photo, but I won’t.
Why am I writing this post, then? I guess, maybe to counter the many comments that were filled with negativity in response to the post that Kate wrote. If you want to travel but your boyfriend doesn’t, do you have to break up? Absolutely not. Many of the travellers responding were alluding to the idea of a boyfriend that was trying to crush dreams, and I don’t think that that’s entirely fair.
In my experience, relationships are about compromise. Sure, the partner of a traveller has to compromise. Maybe his partner will regularly be gone for periods of a few weeks or more. Maybe his partner won’t have a stable job and be able to contribute steadily in a financial way. But, does the traveller ever think about the flip-side? Why should you expect your partner always pander to your wanderlust? Of course your partner should be supportive, but what about the reverse?
You should always support your partner. Especially if they want all-you-can-eat sushi.
Gil Dong’s dream isn’t to travel the world. He enjoys travelling, but he also needs stability. A stable job, a stable home, and he wants to raise a Golden Retriever. He has been nothing but one hundred percent supportive of me wanting to travel the world. Why shouldn’t I support his dreams, too? The traveller is often portrayed as the victim when it comes to relationships, but come on, I hardly think that that’s fair. Partners should support each other – dreams have equal importance.
Be each other’s angel. Don’t throw out each other’s dreams. Maybe just recycle them and come up with something better.
So for those of you who have been asking, yes I shall be travelling solo for a huge portion of my trip. No, Gil Dong and I have no plans to split up or end our relationship once we bid each other farewell in San Francisco. Do you have to dump your partner because you want to travel? Absolutely not. In fact, I think Kate best sums it up in her post, writing about one partner travelling long-term without the other:
“I would only recommend doing so if you have an exceptionally strong relationship, have phenomenal communication skills, and are planning a future together.”
I think that pretty much describes Gil Dong and I. So please, I ask you, before casting judgement on travellers who are going it alone, but doing so while in a relationship, don’t assume that you know everything about a relationship and proclaim that it couldn’t possibly work, or that you’re bound to split up, or try and tell people that it’s a bad idea. Don’t tell people to dump the person that they love. Let them make their own decisions and at the end of the day, if it’s meant to be, it will be.
So there you have it, folks! Now, I want to hear from you! Have you ever made a relationship work when you’ve been apart for a few months or more? Do you have any tips for keeping things alive while on the road? Or, do you completely disagree with what I’ve written here? Let us know in the comments below, or shout out on Facebook or Twitter!
Cocacola cake?? I am intrigued…
Good for you for knowing yourself and your relationship and making the right choice for you.
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I’m also intrigued by this Coca-Cola Cake. According to a friend from Charleston, whose advice when it comes to food I would follow until the end of the earth, a place called Jestine’s is the best place to get it.
Thanks for the last part of your comment, too. It’s the assumption that bugs me. Some people will break up I’m sure, and if they do, it’s because it’s right for them – but not everyone does.
I really commend you guys for wanting to follow your own individual dreams -even if it means being apart for a few months, which no doubt will be difficult at times and require a bit more effort than if you were together in the same place- but in the end, it should make you guys really appreciate the time you do spend together
I know you’ll be able to make it work
xo
Melissa – The Mellyboo Project just posted “Out of Sight Out of Mind” – Maintaining Friendships while Traveling
Thanks for the positive vibes, Melissa! I think often times means that having different dreams means the end for a relationship, but it doesn’t. Find a way to incorporate both – it’s all about compromise. I can’t stand it when people are so negative and just focus on the bad, saying that it’s going to be so hard etc etc. I’m WELL aware of that! I just wish people weren’t so quick to judge and give opinions on a relationship that they’re not in.
There are quite a few blog posts that I’ve been “facepalming” lately. Just because you are married does not mean that you want to settle down, have a house, pop out kids, etc. There are several trips coming up this year that we’re doing solo – not because we don’t like spending time together but because the other person just isn’t that into the activities.
Support each other if you want to grow together.
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YES, ERICA. YES. Support each other. I get annoyed when people cast a blanket judgement and say things with the general gist of, “well if you don’t have the same dream, it won’t work” or think that it’s the end of the world if you’re spending time apart from each other. I’m working towards my goal, the bf is working towards his. Our goals aren’t the same, but we’re supporting each other.
If you do ever decide to pop out a kid though, Tom is a great name for a boy. Tomette for a girl.
Erica,
I might add that just because you’re married, have a house and kid, doesn’t mean you want to settle down either. ;P
Judgers gonna judge. Then the rest of us make our choices based on what we want and what we believe is best. People are going to complain even if you make the choice they think is best for you anyway.
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Thanks for the mention, Tom, and I’m glad you agreed with what I wrote.
I did wonder at one point whether your boyfriend would be joining you. It sounds like you have a good plan, and from everything I’ve seen on Facebook and such, it seems like you have a wonderful relationship.
It will be hard at times, but I know you guys will handle it great.
And I’m honored that Gil Dong will be visiting my hometown as well!
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No problem, Kate – your post was the spark that lit the fuse on this one. It’s something I’d been wanting to write for a while, but wasn’t quite sure what I wanted to say. I’m still not sure if this post makes 100% sense as I literally just typed down what came into my brain when I was a little high on caramel macchiatto fumes yesterday.
We do have a solid relationship, which is why I’m not throwing in the towel and we’ve worked something out. And as for visiting Boston, well we’re both looking forward to exploring the city and its food. Mainly the food. I’m going to get fat.
Good luck to you, if staying with your partner is worth it then it will work out.
Within 6 months of starting a relationship with my boyfriend I went to Argentina for 5 months to study abroad. We decided to have an open relationship and it was hard to be apart. He managed to visit for a week during that time and we first said ‘I love you’ then. Once I came back we picked up where we left off and 4 years later we are still together.
What you want to do with your life and who you want to be with don’t have to conflict.
Thanks for the comment, Melissa, and congratulations on four years together. Your last line is spot on.
Sometimes it’s healthy to be apart from each other for a while in a relationship. You will miss your significant other more, and vice versa. I love traveling either alone or together with friends or someone special as long as we don’t kill each other. Have a wonderful trip!
I think you’re totally right, Eno. Although maybe six months is a bit much haha! But I’m sure it will be fine
One of the worst things you can do in a relationship is try and hold your partner back. Tom, I think it is great that you and Gil Dong have come to a point of agreement and compromise that will allow him stability and for you to pursue your dreams. I have been with my partner for seven years and we have spent time apart due to my wanderlust. But, you communicate your needs and six months will come and go (but hopefully not too fast when you are enjoying yourself!). And after the time apart; the relationship sometimes feels fresh again.
Best of Luck on your journey!
Exactly, Eric. I’ve tried to convince him to come and travel, but when he explained what he wants to do (get a job involved with trade) and how he’ll work towards it, I didn’t really push it on him anymore and respected his decision rather than get all woeful.
I totally agree with this post. I get really annoyed when people think they know what’s best for somebody else’s life. At the end of the day, you know what’s right for you and for your partner. WHY do people feel the need to always put in their two cents?
I think it’s so great that you have such a supportive relationship. Part of the reason I broke up with a boyfriend a few years ago was because he basically told me that if I went to Southeast Asia on my own, our relationship would be over. I knew then that he would never support what I wanted out of life. Anyway, I’m so glad that you have such a wonderful person in your life (and that he has you!). Great article as always!
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Thanks, Brenna! What you write here is right – if the person is unsupportive then, well, that’s not the kind of person you want in your life. But it’s the notion that one person wanting to travel means the end of a successful relationship that I don’t like. People need to support each other, rather than make assumptions.
Well said Tom! I went travelling for over three months without my boyfriend and the question of dumping him to do so was never even raised… to think two people who love eachother have to split up just because they will be spending some time apart is quite immature. Of course it can be hard and compromises have to be made, but that’s what being in a serious relationship is about. Good for you for showing the world you don’ t have to choose between travel and love. It’s all about finding a partner who is secure enough in themselves and your relationship to be happy for you xx
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Thank you, my dear! Yeah, we haven’t even talked about breaking up. The awkward issue of sex was brought up (hey, we’re both young guys and it’s 6 months) but I’m not going to be trawling the globe for booty and acting like I’m single as some folks seem to think. Le sigh!
There’s always Skype-sex, phone-sex and unlimited sex toys to get you through if you both want to stay monogamous, (although some couples may choose not to be, it’s whatever works for you) and you know the time apart will make the sex AMAZING when you finally see eachother again xx
Scarlett just posted How Things Change.
Sex toys aren’t really my thing – I prefer the real deal tee hee hee! But yes, already anticipating the reunion sex haha!
Absolutely incredible article I love it. I was about to write an article on whether relationships and the road are compatible, but this was from a sort of fledgling relationship perspective not talking about people like you and Gil Dong who have had 2 years building a stable relationship already.
I’m not the relationship type, but there has been a few times that I have been won over by a young suitor just for things to go tits up because I’m moving. Maybe this is just my curse.
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Each relationship is different and it does bug me that people think I’d just throw out someone that I’ve spent an amazing couple of years with, just because we won’t be together for a few months.
Maybe that is a curse that you have right there. Had it happen to me a few times, too (but in reverse).
Hoorah for love! We nearly broke up when I left the UK to spend a year volunteering in Thailand but love prevailed. I think it’s an incredible thing face and if you can get through this then you can damn near get through anything! Good job guys!
Glad to hear that it worked out well for you, Nici!
Lovely post Tom! I wish you all the best for your travels too… I’ll most definitely look forward to reading about all your future adventures! (oh, and I LOVE that origami crane…)
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Thank you, Louise! I also have an origami bird made out of shiny silver cardboard, too! These kids are skilled when it comes to paper.
Good for you! I tried that when I first ‘moved’ to Europe knowing my boyfriend would visit and I could come back after a year (or before on vacations as such, Dublin to Boston is usually pretty cheap!) but it didn’t work out because our communication was crap. That’s the one thing I think is necessary to keep up! Good luck and Enjoy your travels!
Will you be keeping up this blog while you travel?
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Communication is key. Luckily the bf and I have that down! And yes, thank you for asking – I shall be keeping the blog up while I travel!
Nice to learn more about your plan.
Here’s my thing… no one has the right to “weigh in” on what’s right for you and/or your relationship. It’s the same thing that happens all over the web – lots of judgement / finger pointing and very little self-reflection.
Good for you guys, making your own decisions.
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The anonymity of the web is bad for that; it’s so easy just to shoot and run.
Joshua just posted 5 Lessons from the gayest experiences of my travels
Are you talking about making judgements when you say “shoot and run”, or something else?…
Exactly, Kent. I feel people can be crueller on the internet too, due to the anonymity, so they have no issue with casting a very blunt judgement that they would probably never say in real life.
It’s hard work to be doing it long distance, and I’ve cocked it up on many occasions. Still 2 and a half years later it’s still happening. The big question is how our travels this year are going to affect things – I’ll be in Myanmar for 2 months with no internet, then our own solo vacations in May and June overlap, so we’re not likely to see each other until the summer. Still, no point in stressing about it; if it happens it happens.
Joshua just posted 5 Lessons from the gayest experiences of my travels
Myanmar for a couple of months with no internet…that’ll be interesting. I *think* (hope) the most I’ll have to go without internet is a few days here and there in Africa. Good luck to you two!
Happy to read about this Tom and glad to see that you’ve come up with a plan that works for both you and Gil Dong! Definitely agree with your philosophy on this one. I traveled for two months solo this past year, leaving my boyfriend behind in Berlin, and it was tough sometimes, but we managed just fine!
Also, FYI, there’s a chicken & waffles place in Boston if you can’t wait to get further down south once you reach US soil…
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Thanks, Adam! Glad to hear that you and your bf managed a couple of months apart
Also, I may well have to eat at the chicken & waffles place in Boston as well as down in the south. You know, just for the sake of comparison and research, obviously. OBVIOUSLY.
Glad to see that you are making your life around your choices. Cheers to you! It’s not easy, making a future together. Seems like you guys are making it pretty well!
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Thanks Juno! It isn’t easy to make a future together you’re right, but that’s part of the adventure
Two people will always be different. If you allow those differences to determine your relationship status, it will always read, “single.” Thanks so much for sharing!
With love,
Amanda
Nice words, Amanda – you’re totally right.
I was quite curious about this as well, but also figured that you had a plan. Thanks for fulfilling my nosy needs.
To be fair, I’ve never been in a relationship so I can’t really say it from the perspective of having a partner, but I really do appreciate having very stable friends while I roam around. Even if I can’t see them or talk to them all the time, it’s nice knowing that I have a strong support system and on the flip side, I’ve had friends say that it’s nice knowing that I’m somewhere out there, discovering something new. So I guess what I’m trying to say, is that as you wouldn’t necessarily “dump” all of your friends prior to embarking on a journey; likewise not everyone will choose to part ways with their significant other. Very cool that you guys have such a strong and supportive relationship.
Also YAY you’re coming to NYC!!!
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oh yeah, also, that angel = AMAZING
TOTES AMAZE.
Thanks Erica! WILL YOU BE IN NYC AT THE SAME TIME AS US?!?!
I have been on both sides of the traveling equation – the one who’s off traveling AND the one who’s staying, with Jeff because we studied abroad at different times. It can work! Sometimes it’s hard but I’m sure you’re going to be successful. One tip is to find a little online game to play together, like even Words with Friends or Draw Something or whatever, because you feel like you’re doing something together and it is fun!
Nice tip, Rachel – thanks for that! Hmm maybe it’s time for me to download Draw Something – the bf isn’t the biggest fan of Scrabble! I found a great app called Pair, too – it’s super cute!
I’m really glad you wrote this! Yes, sometimes one partner not wanting to travel can be a sign of trouble, but if you’re secure and committed in your relationship, you can absolutely make it work. I’m sure there will be challenges, but good on you for sticking with it. Good luck!
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Thanks, Liz! I’m sure there’ll be many challenges too, but I’m lucky that my bf is fully supporting me. Part of me feels selfish and like I’m abandoning him – him feeling alone is my biggest worry. However, he’s been really reassuring and says he knows that it’s my dream, so he’s backing me 100%
I love this post and I love you!
Not only the “your boyfriend is trying to squash your dreams” negativity in those comments, but also the “and your dreams are sooooooo much cooler and worthwhile than his. If he doesn’t want to travel, he’s a loser anyways.”
Can’t wait to read all of your tales of travel and of skyping your boo
I’m also hoping that your trip to a beautiful part of Korea had something to do with Seorak!
Thanks, Julie! At first, my bf’s knee-jerk reaction wasn’t so enthusiastic, but when I explained that it’s my dream, just like it’s his dream to become a super-whiz in the field of trade, well, he understood and is now fully supportive. I hate it when people act like travel is the be-all and end-all. Some people simply can’t, or don’t particularly want to, travel. That’s fine. My dad has never left the UK, simply because he doesn’t really have a burning desire to visit any other country. It doesn’t make his dreams any less valid. Likewise my bf, while he enjoys travel, he really can’t afford to travel for 6 months, and he has to do other things in order to achieve his dreams.
Alas no, the trip has nothing to do with Seorak – the place I went to is now featured on the site!
Wow that is a tough one. At the same time congratulations for being secure enough on your relationship to be able to survive it while apart!
I personally haven’t been able to go away on a long-term trip while staying in a relationship, but I know that doesn’t apply to everyone- with me, my biggest thing is I always feel guilty, that I get to go and see these amazing sights and have these incredible experiences, while my partner stays behind in his regular life. And so when I know I will be away for a longer time, I usually end up breaking up.
That said, my long term travels have been upwards of six months, with no specific end in mind, so it makes little sense to keep an indefinite long distance relationship. Also as I get older and start to feel more of a longing for roots (on the relationship side anyways), I am able to be more independent while not having to end my relationships as freely.
Ideally though, I’d love to meet someone who would be willing to become a bit of a nomad and experience the world with me… I think that would be my ideal situation, in which I get to have both the crazy adventures of travel AND keep the man.
Thanks for the thoughtful comment, Claus. I guess part of the reason why this won’t be as difficult as it could be, is because there’s a definite end date in sight. We both know roughly when we’ll get to see each other again, which makes it less hard than a vague idea would. I’d love it if the bf could travel with me for the full 6 months, but I know why he can’t and I understand and respect that.
Just reading the title of this post made me cheer out loud!
I’ve come across a few blogs where the author talked about ending her relationship to travel the world and I just think… What is WRONG with you?!
I’m in a similar situation… if I was single, I’d be on a RTW right now, but instead we’re trying to save up and plan such a trip together in a couple years. It’s way too hard for me to find someone I click with, so there’s no way I’d give that up so easily.
In the meantime, taking a lot of long weekend trips alone satisfies the travel urge.
Scott – Quirky Travel Guy just posted January Roundup: Lego Sculptures & Tasty Animals
I KNOW. Then again, if the relationship isn’t going so great then I understand, but to break up with someone you love because you want to live your dream…that ALWAYS confuses me. Why do people think they have to choose? There are ways to make things work.
That’s such a good point you made about supporting each other — people tend to look down on the one who wants to stay behind but why isn’t anyone supporting them and their desire to have a bit more stability?
Anyway you know I’m definitely a believer that long-distance works — I chose to move 6,000 miles away from my fiance in order to chase my dream career and we’re still going strong after over two years!
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Yay! I love success stories like yours, Edna! It makes me happy when I see people who are working to make things work with the person that they love, rather than just nonchalantly throwing in the towel.
Like you said, everyone is different. I went on a 5 month round the world trip just a few months after I got married, and Andy had to stay home in Germany to work. It sucked and it was hard but I always would’ve wondered if I hadn’t gone on that trip. You guys will be fine! Also, I really hope he gets the internship in Germany!
Exactly, Ally! Also I would be afraid of a “what if” building into resentment for my partner if I felt obligated to stay or if he gave me an ultimatum.
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I think you said it perfectly. There are always two sides to the relationship and the only way it will work is compromise by BOTH people, not just the person who wants to stay home and enjoys stability. Scott and I have had countless conversations about this topic and it took us both a long time to finally see the each other’s perspective. I think we have found a good balance and appreciate instead if try to change the other person.
Exactly, Christy. People can have different dreams, but it usually means that both have to compromise.
Good on ya both. I don’t think there is any need to dump the person you love because you want to do separate things for a bit. And if it’s that easy-well then you probably don’t love that person. I’ve seen comments like that before as well. Back in the day I probably would have been leaving comments like that haha. But now that I’m with someone I actually care about. I know no matter how much time we spend apart or if we have to take time to do our own thing-we’ll pick up where we left off eventually! Enjoy your holiday.
Exactly! With my previous partner, well, I’d probably have dumped him already. But my partner now, not a chance! Thanks for the comment, Bobbi
I’m new to your blog and really like this post. I think you captured the best of Kate’s post, while contributing some very important points about sharing a dream together. I’m in a relationship now and am trying to figure out my/our dreams and how they’ll work with my wanting to teach abroad in Spain next year. Your post was definitely helpful. I’m looking forward to continuing to follow your blog. Thank you!
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Thanks for your comment Mike, and welcome to the blog
Glad that you found this post helpful.
I just saw this – 5 days before I leave my boyfriend to go home for a couple months. We’re not completely sure what’s going to happen, but this was encouraging to read. In any situation, it ultimately comes down to the people involved…yet it’s often hard to tune out the noise all around you saying what things should be like/what will happen/what you should think about it, etc.!
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Do whatever feels right for you. I just can’t stand this myth that perpetuates the idea that we HAVE to break up with somebody if we decide to travel and they don’t, without considering any other factors.